I had that ah ha moment last night… you know the one where you actually digest everything that’s happening and think, oh my god, what the F**k have I done? Yup, that was me last night. I was going to write about it last night but I just didn’t have the strength and wanted to digest a little bit more first.
First let me state that I’m still fine with moving, it will be a great experience for all…blah blah blah. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have the occasional panic attack here. It was like each time I found out I was pregnant – both were planned pregnancies but once I actually found out I was pregnant I freaked. And that was last night (not the pregnancy part, just the panic). Josh and I have searched websites before looking casually at housing – all before we knew for sure we were going. Maybe I just wasn’t thinking realistically? Or maybe I just had fantasies of finding exactly the same thing there that we have here (which I know is completely unrealistic, but one can always hope). But it came down to actually starting a casual search (nothing we find now will be available when we move so it’s more to see what’s it going to be like in our budget and what areas do we like).
Well let me tell you that casual search with our actual budget was not like my casual non budget search of a few months ago. It threw me completely for a loop. I feel like we are going to be living in a cramped 2 maybe 3 bedroom place that someone with very very poor taste decorated. I know that’s not fair… it’s someplace new in a culture that I’m not familiar with. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to live somewhere that meets my tastes and style. Again realistically probably not going to happen. I think that it just hit that wherever we go is going to be temporary and not really home – this is a good and bad thing. Good because home is here with our family and friends in our house in Attleboro. Bad because this isn’t a weeklong vacation – this is still two years and I think I’ve realized that that isn’t a short period of time. Sure it’s not long in the span of my lifetime but to be somewhere I don’t feel like is home is going to be a challenge. It’s a challenge I will embrace and am determined to come to terms with. And by no means does it change my decision to want to go on this journey with Josh and the boys. But it certainly,understandably makes me ambivilant – its unchartered waters for me and by being so, scares the shit out of me every now and again. This isn’t some move to another town. I’m moving halfway across the world…
Now that I’m done venting about my panic attack I should mention that I’ve begun the BIG PURGE as I’m calling it. Most stuff has made it home from the cape since we will be renting out that house the moment construction is complete. The rest of the items will come home at that time. It’s all in the garage in various buckets to determine if (A) it stays, (B) it gets donated or (C) it goes in the trash – believe it or not, I’m excited about the prospect of getting a dumpster to get rid of some of this stuff.
The house in Attleboro is about to go into that state as well – as soon as the kids get back to school. Part of me would like to have a giant yard sale but I just don’t have the strength for it. Today I was thinking if I could scrape together enough cash from a yard sale that we could afford a bigger prettier place in Barcelona – it would have to be beyond a giant yard sale to make this happen I’m thinking now. But it was a though, albeit a passing one. As much as I don’t mind donating the goods to charity or giving items to friends, part of me watches some of this stuff go and thinks, geez, I’ve spent a shitload of money over the years on all this stuff, I really need to recoup it someway. But since I don’t have the time or the patience or even the space to organize a yard sale, I’ll just have to cut back on my shopping (big gulp!) if I have hopes of saving some $$$$ or increase my sales at work (in my free time lately). Regardless, we will be together as a family and that’s really all that counts right? We’re going to learn that things are just that – things…and that there is more to life than a pretty house.