Anxious

In less than a week the kids and I will be back on American soil for the kick off to our summer vacation.  I’m very excited about the trip although less than thrilled about the idea of travelling for 10+ hours with two small children on my own.  However, right now, the flight itself is actually the easiest part on my mind. 

So what’s on my mind?  Well, let’s see… work, final days of school which include at least one school meeting and one party, a final night out with some friends, a doctor’s followup appointment, and of course packing.  Oh and also trying to organize from abroad the preparations to move our belongings from our house.  I’ve given kudos on that one before, but have to give yet another shout out to Lisa, Dennis, the boys in the hood and of course, my mom and dad.  Thank you for all you are doing to prep the house for us! 

I was out and about today with a friend at the beach, a bit of a last hurrah since Josh was gone all last week and I’ve got the kids for the next month.  As we were out I was trying to decide what it was that I was anxious about and why I was stressing about our upcoming trip.  After all, I’ve juggled far more than what I just wrote above when it came time for us to move to Barcelona.

I think in part, my life has become in a sense easier here.  I haven’t pushed myself in a while both at work (sadly and need to remotivate on that – but that’s likely another entry) and at home like I did at home in the States where everyday was filled with activities and challenges, and while I have many challenges here they are not so much of the scheduling sort which are the kind that tend to overwhelm me.  And now when I go home, I actually feel quite overwhelmed.  But the amount of people, the stimulation of my surroundings and the fear of no longer fitting in.

Yes, while I’m still so close to my friends and family, I feel a bit like an outsider now, looking in.  My last two visits it was managable.  The first visit I was just so thrilled to be home (and still am) and was overwhelmed by the transition from Spain back to MA.  The second visit was a whirlwind and half of it was spent at girls weekend in NH.  I most definitely felt the love that week!!  But this time, I’m staying at home most of the time, so I won’t be a “visitor” per se, but living in my house.  Is that going to change things?  Will we settle in to some old routines or will our new lifestyle enable us to start some new routines?  Will we even have the time for a routine?

I’m also concerned about Aidan and how he will handle being in our house for the majority of our stay.  Is it going to make things harder for him to come back to Barcelona when we are done?  Or because the fact that we will be moving our belongings out of our house and essentially right now it’s almost empty as it is, will that make it easier?

So will it continue to get easier to go back home or harder?  Can you really go back home again?  I guess really only time is going to tell on that one.

Julie

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